A HOME OR A KILLING FIELD?
It all started (from where I began counting) with the foreign national who allegedly murdered his wife by hitting her head repeatedly on the wall and then went on to poison his daughter to death. And then the wife who severed the husband’s genitals with a knife because she found out he was cheating on her. Again, we heard of the banker who murdered his wife and was found convicted by the court. Then it was the case of the woman who connived with her lover to murder her husband who worked with an oil company. Finally, just yesterday, Maryam Sanda was sentenced to death by hanging for killing her husband with a knife. Coincidentally, another woman also killed her husband yesterday in Katsina state during a very heated argument.
These heart wrenching events leave me wondering if our homes have now become killing fields instead of a place where love, peace and tolerance thrive. (A Home)
Has killing / maiming become part of our system that we have commonized the sacredness & sanctity of human life? It is so worrisome that domestic violence and abuse have maintained an upward trend that not so many people give a hoot anymore. Imagine children growing up with the knowledge that their mother killed their father and the state executed their mother for murder. A classic example is the Sanda case where her child was crying in court when the judge sentenced her mother to death by hanging. Who will cater for these orphans? Are we not building an army of maladjusted members of the society who are likely to be traumatized all the days of their lives?
I have in the last two days carefully listened to arguments in the court of public opinion, some in favor and some against the judgements of the courts as well as the parties involved. However, there seems to be a common denominator in all these which is that someone had endured several years of abuse which only escalated to what we are now faced with today. Unfortunately, most Nigerian couples prefer to endure years of abuse and domestic violence instead of seeking help from constituted authorities saddled with the responsibility of defending victims of domestic violence. This unholy silence may not be unconnected with the African notion of marriage where you are advised to bear your pains and suffering in silence (even if this will cost you your life). Imagine if any of the couples mentioned above had made an entry with the police or simply walked away when they realized that their lives were at risk, perhaps the story would have been different today.
As a life coach, this write up will be incomplete if I do not point the major cause of friction in marriages which sometimes escalates to irreparable situations like these.
Communication is the major challenge many couples face today and communication can be dishonest or non-existent. An example of a dishonest communication is when a Man introduces his side chick as a colleague or customer or when a woman comes up with different excuses to be with her lover.
As Professor John Gottman suggested, there are four types of communication problems that can lead to issues in marriages.
- Criticism of partners personality (To disapprove your partners behavioral & emotional patterns)
- Contempt (A feeling that your partner is worthless)
- Defensiveness (Being anxious to challenge or avoid criticism)
- Stonewalling (The refusal to communicate at all)
Communication Skills have been identified as KEY to successful, satisfying marital relationships because with effective communication skills, couples spend more time sharing their personal emotions and less time in conflict.
We all must then rise to fight this cancer that is fast turning our homes into a killing field, our children into orphans and our youths to social monsters.
The meaning of Life is not tomorrow, not next week but TODAY. The time is NOW!
Think, Create, Grow.
Obinna Onwuelingo
Certified Life Coach
info@obinnaonwuelingo.com.ng
